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.. on ... you know, on the thing..." he stopped talking, a growing look of puzzlement on his face. "Goddamnit," he spit out, "The thing that does the thing!" Which thing?" I asked innocently."The thing with the ... the ... the stuff!" he said. "The ... the stuff!!" Oh, that thing," I said. "Yeah, you can't remember that. You can't remember where it is, or how it works, or the last four or five crucial insights that let you take control of it." I paused. "You can't even remember what it does, exactly."I knelt down to look at him. "You can't even remember what it does. All you can remember is that you used it and it helped you. And now you can't even remember where it is or what is does. For all you know," I said, standing again, "this might be what you're talking about."He glanced at the dish I was pointing to. "Yeah, right," he said. "That's not it. It's the ... the... " his face contorted with effort. "The thing!" Yeah," I said. "The thing." I paused. "The thing that's far away and. Of course there was Elaine's ghost hovering over all of this. It gloated on the ruins of my love. I could almost hear her chuckle, "Run, little guy, run again. You ran away from me straight into the greedy arms of a new slut. We are all sluts, Eric. Didn't you know, stupid boy? All of us."Maybe. But Irene is no Elaine.Irene never planned her tryst. And Irene went into panic mode afterwards. She had to find a way to keep it from me. Maybe to keep me from hurting. Mostly to protect herself, no doubt. (As I said, I am no fool, not anymore.) When she found out she was pregnant, she was as trapped as I was.Elaine never saw a need for consequences. Irene accepted them all. She left all that was dear to her. She invited punishment. L.A. was her penitence. So was the decision to keep the baby.My love for her made me feverishly search for reasons to keep us together. In the end I leaned on the scales and made them balance in favor of my love.But at our goodbyes, I could not hold on to that. I.
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